How Models, Magazines and the Modern World ruined my Perception of Myself

I was never 'ugly'. Not really. Sure there was the year I had braces, and the teen-hormone laced tomato-faced flushes, the stupid fashion decisions any 9 year old makes, or 14 year old, or, OK, 15, 16 and 17 year old makes, with the unfortunate photographic evidence certain brothers harbor of a string-bean sproutlette in a baggy T tucked into oversized high waisted jeans. (For the record, when he brings that photo out at gatherings in an 'oh how cute/ugly she was' way, I blame the 80's entirely). I was actually never ugly. But I was an ugly-duckling of sorts. Pointy, awkward, tall, freckly, flat chested, red headed and pale. Wide set eyes in a world that praised bombshells such as Cindy Crawford, who, I noted somewhere along the way to adulthood, had eyes exactly the right distance apart. My eyes are wider than that. And of course I never ever did grow into my front teeth.

Regardless of all of the above, when I reached my early 20's, my string-bean turned to 6 feet of lean. My gawky turned to graceful. I figured out which way was up with a make-up-brush, and my freckles and red-tinged hair turned to something, believe it or not, desirable. All in all, I was doing pretty OK in the looks department. So much so that I became used to being asked 'Are you a model?' by strangers passing by in shopping centers, became accustomed to offers from solicitors of modeling agencies, and reached expert level at fending off advances from would-be suitors who hunted based entirely on looks.

At some point I allowed my own enjoyment of being seen as beautiful get 'all up in there', and took myself off to a modeling agency to sign up. It went great! A passing whirlwind of photo-shoots, calendar prints, champagne parties, free designer dresses, VIP club passes, catwalk attempts and even a few media mentions ensued. I made some money, I did an overseas TV commercial, I got a few killer shots of myself to keep, I started brushing elegant star-dusted shoulders with some of the hot international talent the modeling scene Cape Town had to offer and I met and started dating a truly sculptured specimen that had catwalked alongside the likes of Kate Moss in Milan. (Seriously - he had abs that looked as though they were carved from stone!) It was nothing if not fun and fabulous. Except that it wasn’t.

Happier times? Look closer. I absolutely hated this shoot.

Have you ever felt beautiful? You had a morning where everything just worked? Your hair woke up on the right side of the ghd, your skin glowed, and any puffiness was situated in your cleavage area rather than directly below your eyes? You managed to dress that particularly toit little ass in a particularly gorgeous little outfit, full of effortless glamour and glowing mirror appraisal - only to walk into a room and find that you are sitting next to Miss South Africa...making your fluff fall flat, your fab turn drab, and basically watch in horror as your so-thought-beauty shriveled and deflated like a popped air balloon?

Well I had that happen to me - literally. Not only with a former Miss SA at the time (Vanessa Carrera) but many times before that, in fact, EVERY time before that when I went to a casting. For those who don’t know, a casting is a nice glossed-up magazine-world word for kick-you-in-the-nads. Before modeling, I would walk into a room and be one of the top 10% best looking girls there. But when I started going to castings, I would walk into a room and be just another one of the models. Just another tall, leggy woman with firm thighs and perfect skin. And in all honesty, not even in the top 10 tall leggy women with firm thighs and perfect skin. I was no Charlize! I was a small-timer, average. I had to keep my diet to below 1000 calories a day, exercise frequently at a bare minimum, tripple-stuff my bra, and I needed, as a smart career move, to keep my looks as 'current' as the agency saw fit to try get work. I had to fry my skin at a sunbed tanning salon, loose all discretion when it came to dressing in public (albeit publically female, thank goodness) and stand while older, raggier women diminished me to a clothes horse with no mind - just a body. And even that was not good enough. I did not like the make-up that was caked on my face, dark contours coloured in to try fake my wide-set eyes closer. I did not enjoy the 5am photo shoots on the beach in freezing conditions where I was told to look 'less pissed off', or the strict 3-weeks-bfore-any-show lettuce and water diet, or the play-monkey demands of casting agents that ranged from 'now turn' to 'squat more like a stripper!' I was hungry, miserable, and felt ugly. Permanently ugly. But the photo's were what needed to look good, and I had to suck in my empty stomach because it wasn't thin enough, stick out my gym-stiff rear because it wasn't pert enough, my chest never did come to the party, and I had to hold my arm above my light-headed head for what seemed like hours in attempts to capture a single magazine moment. Only to be told 'We're going in a different direction for the cover', and my photo's wouldn’t be used. My very hard earned size 8 was simply not enough. I was inferior to the other models, the better models. The ones who could stay super skinny, pout at the camera, and fill out a decent cup-size while doing it. I started to develop that horrible 'Look at her - ugh, I hate her!' monologue I have always been against. I had to fight myself to remember that it's not her I hate, it's the way I feel.

I HATE HER...oh wait...thats me

And I think that's when it started. I started to just blame myself. To compare myself, to judge myself, to take myself down to a disgustingly shallow level of 'Is my butt high enough? Is my chin chiseled enough? Is my upper arm toned enough?' It wasn’t something I verbalized - but I raged against the whole industry till the point where I quit, saying that I would rather be myself than a wisp of what they wanted me to be. But even though I tried to let on that I didn’t care, it was the beginning of a now never ending argument I have with myself in the mirror on a daily basis, internalizing all that hatred. I don’t remember having these worries as a gawky teenager - I accepted who I was then and didn’t place much inner-peace on how I looked. Now, I page through a fashion magazine, a cooking magazine, even a fishing magazine and I immediately feel inferior to the images portrayed in the pages. But it's like heroine. I cant stop. I even use the images here in my blog! (yes, the irony is not wasted on me) But you see I LIKE pretty things. I WANT to see them, admire them, appreciate their beauty...but the problem comes when I then go and hate myself for not being one of them.

I struggle to believe that any man would find me attractive anymore if I was placed in a line-up situation with the models, that I would never be the top 10 but rather left out completely. Why do I even care? I am happily married and do what I can to stay fit and healthy, dress well and look generally acceptable, but still I believe that I am not beautiful. The weight that has found me in my 30's mocks me and I honestly don’t understand why I give it a voice. My now Size 12 practically screams hate-crimes at me every time I see a photo of myself, but why do I listen? Is it this unrealistic image I have learnt to hold myself up to? Is it the image that keeps getting held up to me, on billboards, in shop windows, on screens, on the covers and in the pages of every magazine out there? On my own blog? They even use these models to sell fast food that not only rips our inner bodies apart, but does so with the most spectacular 'Hulk-ish' results! Only instead of muscles bursting out of clothes, its more like the inner Michelin Man making an appearance. Lets admit it, no one ever uses the girl who lives on french fries to sell french fries. So why do we keep portraying these images of the super skinny? And more specifically, why do I feel personally attacked by it all?

On WHAT planet?!?

I know I am not alone in feeling this way. There is a world of women out there who looks at the very same images as me and feels inferior. Perhaps it's a bit more ingrained in me thanks to my own time spent as one of the models in those pages, or do we all feel this way? Perhaps its an escalating problem the modern world is perpetuating, presenting a picture perfect image of what we woman should be. An *ahem* airbrushed image to be precise. It's the 50's housewife all over again, only now instead of rolling-pins, pearls and cinched-in aprons, it's skinny thighs, handle-less abs and sky-high lashes. I mean, what does that even mean!? The world should just be honest, and instead of sporting headlines like 'Have It All, AND Stay Thin' or '5 Minutes to the Perfect You' or 'Wow Him in the Bedroom', rather just say, "What? You don’t have a career, 2.5 kids and a happy satisfied husband while looking like Victoria Beckham? What's wrong with you?!" I feel as though the whole world expects me to be superwoman, when in actual fact, it's just me who expects that.

And today I shall save all the world, one perfect lunge at a time...

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t believe that the entire industry should shut down, and I am in no way blaming all those beautiful images for my problem, but I don’t know how to stop the self-destructive inner judgment when I do see them. Maybe I should just get over it and moveon.com. Of course skin-deep beauty isn’t the only place I find my value. I have many other facets where I excel and can develop, and so maybe I should just try to invest myself in them rather than the completely useless activity of feeling 'ugly'. Maybe I should come up with a mantra of words, values to chant to myself when I look at a gorgeous tanned FHM model with 0% body fat and feel like blobby insects are creeping around all over my thighs. Words such as Kind, Loving, Good natured; Like Helping people, having Integrity, being Honest; Such as being Creative, Loyal, Companionate...but will that work? I fear that the need for 'thin' is so ingrained in me that it will still plague me. Whatever the anecdote, a bandaid over feeling ugly and inferior won't take that feeling away. And something tells me that this is only going to get worse.

Well, on a bad day at any rate. I guess on a good day I can rise above it, forget about it, ignore it, laugh at it even. There are days where I appreciate my gained mass - love my curves. Now I actually do look like a woman, not a straight-up-and-down skeletal ladyboy. And after all, I do have those photo's that I can keep for the rest of my life to look at and remember when I was still young and beautiful.

Sigh. I don’t know. I just don’t know. If you know the answer to returning to the child who doesn't see or concern herself with these things, please let me know.

The real 'before' picture...

Love, lust and fairy-star-dust

Cherry Blossom

The Liebster Award saga continues

O.K. So there is this award thingy going round in the blogsphere that I was nominated for. (Aw shucks, Kitten of Discord. You are always so kind!) The point of it all as far as I can see is to help our fellow bloggers, who despite their favour in our eyes don’t have much of a following, gain followers. Hence! The rules are as follows:

So here goes:

11 Random facts about me:

1.    Pink is actually not my favourite colour. I love quite a few and wouldn’t feel the need to choose, but for the sake of being a persona (which is a little like a novella) pink is my favourite colour.

2.    Learning to drive was very important to me as a young’un, and to this day was one of the best things I ever learned to do. I attribute my freedom to being able to get in a car and go.

3.    I am way better in writing than in person. Words come through my fingers a whoooollleee lot better than through my mouth. I suspect a malfunctioning wire somewhere but am too scared to investigate.

4.    I write music and poetry. And they are always just so sad! Except for one song I wrote for Husband for our wedding day which was happy (duh), but even that one came out in a distinct ‘minor’ key.

5.    I am terrified of singing or playing music in public, and would simply die a thousand deaths if anyone ever found and read my poetry.

6.    I have written a novel – VERY lighthearted and fluffy  – but I actually am extremely proud of it and will spend the rest of my life striving to have it published. (and keep writing more of them of course)

7.    I am a short blonde trapped in a 6-foot red head. Hence the heels and highlights.

8.    I HATE being called ‘Pam’! It is my namesis.

9.    Pami, PamiPamPam or even just PamPam don’t bother me. Figures.

10.  I love books, but am a slow reader. I blame this on the fact that I also love life and have spent many years living ‘out there’ rather than staying in reading. I am not sure if this depresses me or defines me or if I should in any way be regretful. At least my books are still here for me, always a new one ready and willing to be opened, always a library available if I end up too broke to live the fabulous and busy life to which I have become accustomed.

11. I always dream that I can fly, like Superman, and I am starting to believe that I actually can. Its just the whole gravity thing I need to work out, but one day, when I figure my way around that – I’m sky high baby!

And now for the part where I answer the rather interesting (read: strange and unusual) questions that Kitten of Discord set out for me.

1.            You're given the option to permanently relocate to either 100 years in the future, or 100 years in the past. Which one do you decide and why?

100 years in the past. Because Baroness Orczy. And Richmal Crompton. Those pulp magazines, 1920’s fashion (there and there abouts) and spelling was still kinda not so set in stone so I would be seen as ‘poetic’ rather than dyslexic. Also, so I can say things like ‘I remember when in 100 years time…’. Yes. Small things amuse me.

Of course I am aware that things wouldn’t exactly be the way I see it now (so neatly laid out on google), but I get a real kick out of walking around ruins or ancient dwellings in lands with history up the wazoo. So I guess I’m a bit of a nostalgic fool.

2.            Who was your first celebrity crush?

Erm, Steven Segal. Thanks to my brother’s evil influence. (YOUR fault, B Slaveboy!)

3.            What is your alignment?

Neutral Good, I guess. With a strong soundtrack of Nicky Minaj in my head going “Wrah, Wrah, like a Dungeon Dragon!” since reading up on alignment.  (YOUR fault, Discordian Kitty!)

4.            You get to become a professor in something they teach at Unseen University or Hogwarts. What is it? (made up subjects plausible in an alternative magical universe's magical school acceptable.)

The Art of Un-Aided Flying. No brooms. No planes. No flying contraptions of any kind. Just your body and you going WOOSH! Like Superman. Because I can.

5.            Putting aside common sense, skepticism, personal conviction and fear of hell, what religion of all the religions in the history of the world would you choose to be the right one?

Jesus-moralist-ism. With a Shintoistic slant. Basically be nice and good and enjoy life without hurting anybody. Nothing that involves the need to wash pots. Oh, but it’s probably best if you wash your own body every day, whether you need it or not.

6.            Comedy or Tragedy?

Definitely comedy. Life is tragic enough as it is without having to inflict more sorrow and sadness on my poor self for entertainment value.

7.            You have a button that not only destroys Facebook, it removes all traces of it from everyone's memory but yours. Do you press it?

NO! DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON! The question itself makes me break out in a cold sweat! Without Facebook, how will I remember everybody’s birthdays?!?

8.            All YOU need is?

Music

And wine.

And Cats.

And a good book.

And you have got yourself a fabulous evening all to yourself!

9.            If you were not the sexual orientation you are now, who would you want to make sweet, sweet love to? 

Hmmmm… still my hubby bubbly, but then I’d have to kick his cheating ass for betraying me with other me. Probably safer to go with Jessica Alba.

10.       List five of your favourite words.

Extraordinary.  Sis-Horrible (giggle). Husband. Rosemary. Dude.

But actually, in real life, ALL the words. (not including the f-word, or the k-word. But the c-word has made a recent happy appearance…see here.)

11.       Name something silly that makes you happy for irrational reasons.

When I was 100 years older… hehehe

And thats it for now folks! I'm going to have to think this thing through a bit more before I nominate other bloggers and set them questions. Till then,

Love, lust and fairy-star-dust
Cherry Blossom

A Little Piece of Abroad

It's been awhile since I posted, but I have an excuse this time. I was traveling!!! I did, however, manage to write this post for another blog last week, so thought I might just copy and paste in an attempt to re-jump-start my territory. After all, it's not plagiarism if it's your own work :)

A Little Piece of Abroad

It's been three weeks since my return from England and Scotland. People keep asking me what the highlight of the holiday was, what moment stood out amongst them all to be The One, the Shining, the Most Awesome. I have to say, it has been a very hard question to answer. There were so many moments that I loved! Catching an Atlantic Salmon in the Scottish Highlands; Whiskey bar hopping (and subsequent tasting) in Edinburgh; Watching The Phantom of The Opera from the balcony at Her Majesty's Theatre in London; Visiting the Jane Austin museum in Bath, and also her grave site in Winchester; Sunset at Stonehenge; Seeing buildings that Kings walked in; Sitting in rooms where Mary Queen of Scotts fought verbal battles with John Knox; Walking through the ruins of historical clergy; Visiting side streets and train stations and school yards where the Harry Potter books were envisioned and created; Slumming it in SoHo; Attending the Highland Games just in time to see the hammer throwing and kilt-clad wrestling; Becoming an actual Lady; Sniffing the little Greyling fish that I caught to try catch a whiff of thyme (I was told they smell of the herb) and fly fishing in the rain alongside wild swans, pheasants and my fabulous Husband...

And of course a legendary shopping trip down Oxford and Regent streets in the fashion district, resulting in a very particular pair of Jimmy Choos...

They were all such amazing moments!

But now that I'm home, it's all calmed down, the jet lag is long gone, South African Cape Town winter is settling in and I am no longer 'getting back into the swing of things', I have had the chance to just be. And today it finally hit me: My highlight was the bluebells!

The glorious bluebells! Of course they were the best! They mesmerized me with their scent, so much so that I went into every soap and fragrance shop I saw to try find a bottle of bluebell-smell. No one sold anything bluebell at all and I was devastated. But still, everywhere I went, the bluebells were growing in clumps and were anointing me with the most heavenly scent, so beautiful and unique it was quite a striking theme. You see, I noticed all kinds of spring blossoms everywhere, from Winchester down south, all the way up to the highest parts of northern Scotland that we visited. Timeous, given that it was meant to be spring, but spring had not so much 'sprung' as had slithered forward, and so had it not been for the blossoming trees and bushes and lawns everywhere, I would not have believed there had been a Spring at all! But there they were, the blossoms, and my most favorite of them…the bluebells.

When I got home to Cape Town, I took myself off to Jo Malone at the V&A Waterfront in one last attempt to catch hold of this bluebell-scented memory of mine, and lo, they had it! I parted with a staggering R600 for one bluebell candle, and it is now next to my bed, a little piece of Abroad here at home for me to treasure and remember :) Happy!

Love, lust and fairy-star-dust

Lady Cherry Blossom

Inspi(Red)

It is well known that I am rather partial to the colour pink, but that being said, when it comes to RED, my fondness doesn’t lie all that far behind. There are moments where I become completely obsessed with red and the fondness comes out in expressions of wardrobe and accessories. After all, cherry red nail polish suits my colouring much more than pink - just easier to work with. Not to mention that my name here is Cherry Blossom…which for me conjures up glorious blood-red cherries and pretty pink blossom.

I am not sure where it all started. Maybe it was Dorothy's ruby slippers that caused all that trouble for her in the land of Oz.

Maybe it’s steeped in my own red-headed Scottish and Irish ancestry. Tori Amos’s visual words ‘Cherries in the Snow’ could have deepened this love. Japanese prints and Gwen Stefani’s lips-matched-finger-tips in 'Don't Speak' certainly have all played a part. My niece’s poufy red-tutu party dress. My first boyfriends presentation of a full bouquet of velvety red roses. A cozy winters night cuddled up with Husband and a glass of deep red wine definitely adds to the obsession.

But this latest burst of red in my life all started with a trip to Chanel. I still don’t own a Chanel hand bag, or even a pair of vintage two toned Chanel shoes (not for lack of trying mind you...) And so I decided that it was about time that I splashed out and bought not the Rimmel red at clicks, but the classic Chanel Red nail polish to kick off this winter season. My toes were rather charmed with this purchase, and so I ditched my usual french manicure on my hands for the fiery festivity too, and I have to say, it all looks amazing. Fun on my fingertips!

It was only a matter of time that the red toes and tips would graduate to something a little stronger, a little more dazzling, something that keeps the high just a little bit longer. Yes, I am speaking of shoes. Today I found these gorgeous red suede Mary-Janes that are perfect for all my (immediate) red obsessive needs! They are not too high, sturdy and comfy, and absolutely beautiful!

Of course the first thing I did when I got home was celebrate with a glass of pink bubbly. (Don’t worry, pink, you’re still my first love)

Love, lust and fairy-star-dust

Cherry Blossom

Topshop, or not to shop...

I went to the opening of the new Topshop store at the V&A Waterfront in Cape Town today. This is the first time in my life that I have had to queue to get into a store! Not queue as in the new iPhone has just been released and people have been sleeping outside to be sure to get one before they are all gone. No, this was a different kind of queue all together. This queue was orchestrated.

The kind of queue that brought me back to my clubbing days, in fact. Loud thumping music emanating from within it's shiny mall-lit wondrous plains, luscious merchandise hanging on bright new hangers, all gloss and glam in the giant window displays, designed specifically to lure us queuers. You WANT to come in. You MUST come in. You will be BEAUTIFUL if you come in (and spend all your money). 

And I kid you not, there was a rope. All that was missing was a couple of broad shouldered bouncers at the door intimidating people as they waited their turn to be let in. They even had a door lady with a guest list! No they didn't, I'm only kidding, but they could have. The store security guard who let me in was dressed all in black and she had a spirally ear piece connecting her to the gods of consumerism, I can only imagine.

As I stood there amongst 30-at-any-given-time fashionista's, all adorned in the cool, the funky, and the fashionably comfy-cas(ual), I was transported to a movie moment in Sex And The City, in Confessions of a Shopoholic, feeling all mod and hip in my fab self for being there. One of them! One of the first. One of the privileged, the shopping chique, the girl with the LV on her arm.

I suspect the atmosphere had gotten to me. Yes brethren, I drank the coolaid.

There were cameras outside, reporters reporting, paparazziesque, capturing this momentous occasion, this New York moment on a Cape Town winters day. I was enthralled.

Even though I am fully aware of my own silly bamboozlement, I have to take my hat off to the cleverness of this 'event'. TopshopSA were truly crafty in the planning of the entire thing. Setting the all too familiar scene of an independent woman out for a night on the town, it created the perfect mood: Prowless on the Hunt; All the single ladies with one thing on their mind: The Perfect Match.

And that got me thinking. Shopping is a lot like dating. (especially when the store you are about to grace with your wallet has an actual DJ playing!) And as with all budding romances, there are a few key do’s and don’ts in meeting that one, lasting soul mate.

• Don't stop at first sighting.
• Don't accept anything just because it's pretty.
• Do look deeper to the inner stitching.
• Accept compliments, 'these jeans make my a$$ look great', 'that dress slims down my torso perfectly'...
• But don't make lasting decisions based on whimsical flirtations. The tantalizing. The tasseled.
• You are young. You are free. You may love those leather hotpants right now, but really, can they be taken home to meet the folks?
• Enjoy the glittery garments, but make sure they treat you right. No one wants to wake up with the remnants of last nights rhinestones undone and stuck to your smeared face. How well are they attached? Is it going to survive the first wash?
• Don't settle for second best.
• Don't short-sell yourself for a ‘here today gone tomorrow’ flash in the fashion pan.
• Do smile sweetly, and then hold out for that shy but impeccably tailored piece of style in the corner.
• ALWAYS have your way in the shoe department. Own it! Get those shoe elves to bring you your size in this, in that, heck in those too! Get your Twerk on, girl!
• Get giddy on the feeling of the sky scrapers. Enjoy your moment in the stratosphere.
• But even if the shoe fits, be wary of glued seams and nearly-leather look-a-likes.  
• Repeat after me: You don't want it just because she does.
• Be your own woman amongst the mannequins. Choose wisely through the intoxicating haze of freshly tagged skinny jeans. Take your time. Don’t rush. Try them all. Boycuts, bootlegs, high waists, glitter cuffs… 
• Do check out all their moves in the dressing room mirror.
• But above all else, do NOT go home alone!*

Of course we all make mistakes and what is the point of a credit card if you can’t buy the leopard onesie pajama suit and glitter kitty-cat ears?

Well played, TopShopSA. Well played

Love, lust and fairy-star-dust

Cherry Blossom

* OK so that last one only really applies to shopping, not dating.

Moderately Obsessed: Gym Edition

I have always been an advocate of healthy living. Fruit and veggies are a big part of my diet, water is still my favorite drink (even beats champagne, believe it or not), and I was never one of those people who had gym memberships purely for the medical aid benefits. My membership cards were swiped regularly because I actually went to the gym. Regularly.

I am currently doing ballet, I went through phases where I did a lot of yoga, sometimes I went to fun jumpity, kick boxy kinds of classes and I certainly know my way around the Elliptical.

But all things in moderation (except shoes and things that sparkle) (and fluffy stuff)

Even though I have been active and busy trying to stay healthy, I wouldn’t say I have ever been extremely fit. The idea of running marathons exhausts me and makes me feel like a cup of tea and a lie down. A nice climb up a mountain is something I will only do at my OWN pace thank you very much, and only if I can do it while stopping to smell the fynboss along the way. And anything that involves bikes? Oh HELL no.

But then I was introduced to something new by a friend. CROSSFIT. It’s gym, but on a whole new level! Said friend was pregnant at the time, and she still looked more amazing than me or most of my female friends. Her husband is a crossfitter too, and he looks more amazing than most of my male friends. So I took a good long look at them, and at this thing they call Crossfit, and realized, I want me a piece of that.

My current state of exercise was just not enough. I wanted to up my game, take it to the next level, and look more amazing than I have ever looked! I wanted to feel strong, not just healthy. Fit, not just skinny. And also, my baby making time is coming soon…I am going to need to be strong and healthy and ready for it! I can't be waking up late feeling all sluggish from that mid-week second glass of wine, putting off the morning walk on the promenade for an extra half hour in bed. I can’t be trying to get rid of a pizza bulge round my middle when I have bigger fish to fry: The dreaded baby weight. No, it was time for me to take it up a notch and get serious.

After all, if I don’t work on that six-pack now, when will I ever get there?

And so I joined Crossfit. WHAT a rush! The training is hard but so much fun. I didn’t expect to love it so much – after all, it still involves hard sweat – but something about the structure of it all, the people, the way we all work together and help encourage each other makes me enjoy the work outs immensely and actually look forward to going to gym. I would say I feel somewhat obsessed about it! I even jumped on board with their whole eating plan regime and now am fully converted to eating a ZONE based diet. (well, 80% zone at any rate)

Now don't get me wrong. All things in moderation. I have started off slowly, with 2 to 3 workouts a week. I'm more newbee than ninja, and so need to scale a lot of my work outs, meaning I do my push-ups from my knee's and my version of a 'toes-to-bar' is a 'knees-to-chest'. But to be able to do a hand-stand push-up one day? Yea, that would be pretty awesome. Plus, I got to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, 'specially designed for Crossfit :)

This week, 2 months into Crossfitting, I hit my first real achievement. It's called a PB (personal best) and I did my first PB of a weight noteworthy enough to get included on the board with all the other names. Up till now my weights have been too low. But yesterday, even though my PB was the lowest one scored on the board, it was still the highest I personally have ever scored! Hence PB :) I did a 42.6kg back squat - which is more than double my last attempt! (last time I only got to 19kgs) This on top of doing 96 lunges, 60 V-ups, skipping, and a bunch of other stuff. So I feel pretty good about myself right now, and pretty on track to getting that proverbial six-pack before baby!

I do, however, also feel pretty stiff and sore, and have not been able to walk normally all day ;)

Love, lust and fairy-star-dust

Cherry Blossom

*pictures taken from the Cape Crossfit Facebook page

Lucky 2013's To Do's

If my 2012 could be summed up in 2 words, they would have to be Pink Champagne. It was a wonderful year where I got to really just live in the moment and celebrate everything. I started saying: "You have to celebrate the small things in life. Like a Tuesday," on a regular basis. I would say this and pop a bottle of bubbly and toast the world. 

Of course it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. My sunshine turned into a cancer that had to be cut out. My rainbows came from the floods of tears. There were some scary moments, and some medical madness’s, but those things just made me more adamant that I had to celebrate the Tuesdays.

But 2012 is over, gone, in the past. Cheers to that!

2013 has slowly crept in, and now as January is almost over, I think I am ready to make my resolutions. Not so much resolutions as plans. I am a planner. A list maker. A pen-and-paper girl. This year will have a ‘To Do List’ that will be taken to the next level – it will graduate from post-its and note books of paper and be focussed. Set out in 13 clear and concise points. Set to schedules and time lines. My Plan (see, I’m doing it already!) is to plan to succeed! To pull myself up by the sparkles and make sure not to waste any time. I am going to focus more and look more into the future. Is what I am doing right now going to prepare a future for me that I will want to live in? Is what I am doing right now adding to the dreams, the Lucky 13's To Do's?

These are my musings right now, but I must be off. I have a ‘Lucky 2013 To Do List’ to create!

Love, lust and fairy-star-dust

Cherry Blossom

Feng-Shoe

Shoes have been a part of my persona for as long as I can remember. It’s been a life long love story - they complete me! Even though the first thing I do when I get home is kick off my shoes (I like being barefoot in the kitchen…) I will never leave the house without the perfect pair donning my feet. No outfit is quite finished without them.

When I was a little girl I was obsessed with ballet shoes, and my dear sweet mother allowed me to wear my little black ballet pumps till they fell off my feet in shreds. I wasn’t using them to dance after all, as I was kicked out of my ballet class at age 4 for being too uncoordinatedly tall…I had all these legs, and I wasn’t sure what to do with them yet, like a baby giraffe.

I owned a gorgeous little pair of silk slippers that were mine when I was a todler – they have Chinese dragon faces on them complete with string mustaches and even though I don’t actually remember wearing them, they have been a prized possession ever since. And there was even an era where I would only wear baby-doll ‘school shoe’ black flats with white bobby socks, come hell or high water. I never actually owned a pair of sequined ruby red shoes, but I dreamt about them a lot.  Like seriously, a LOT!

An article in this months VOGUE (UK edition) entitled ‘Which Shoe Are You?’ got me thinking about my shoe-drobe. The author of the article confesses to having a fetish for the ‘beautifully ugly’ and whereas I don’t think I have any ugly shoes - not anymore - the journey has not always been pretty. Thinking about all the shoes in my past and present, I have realized I have too many. Not that any woman could ever possibly have too many shoes, but there are days where I really do start to wonder about myself. The problem is that I have not always been able to afford the best quality, and that combined with my almost maternal attachment to each and every pair I ever owned, my cupboards tend to overflow with beautiful disasters. Quantity rather than quality. But as I grew up, so did my need for spending my money a bit more wisely…and my feet developed a taste for real leather and Italian-arched inners.

Husband very cleverly thought up a system for me that for every new pair I want, I should throw out 2 old pairs to make feng-shui space. That way I can always have nice new (better quality) shiny shoes and start to move along from the nameless tatty falling apart ones of my youth. When we renovated our home I got to design and build in my very own spice-rack shoe cupboard to try deal with space issues in the most effective fashion.

I was thrilled at the results, but of course, there was still not enough space for all my shoes. There had to be a mass toss out. It was very hard for me, but I got rid of 50 pairs of shoes. FIFTY! That’s 100 shoes who have been my friends, my children, my sole-mates through the past most tumultuous teen-to-adulthood years! The most exciting ones, with first date shoes, party shoes, break-up shoes, high fashion shoes, big mistake shoes. Pixie toed tire-track strap-on shoes. Spike heeled soccer boot lace-up shoes. Minnie mouse lacquered cartoonish shoes. Perspex clear plastic stripper shoes. Triple-decker Spice Girl sneaker shoes. Fake-snake platformed tranny shoes. Tinselly Christmassy shoes. Gothy Don’t-Call-Me-Babe knee-high shoes. Everything but the proverbial purple clogs! (anyone who idealized the movie Clueless should know what I mean)

It was way harsh having to get rid of so many, but Husband was right. Most of them were cracked, broken or just plain un-wearable. Some heels can only happen before age 33 after all. Besides, making space in my wardrobe is the only way for me to keep feeding the monster. And my monster will be fed! She wants Chanel! She wants Louboutin! She wants Jimmy Choo, and even though she has none of these yet, we are nesting and preparing place for when they arrive. (‘We’ being the royal we, of me, my feet, and the monster…) And so the Feng-Shoe continues.

Sadly I don’t have pictures of all the shoes I have parted with. A terrible oversight on my part, but from now on, I will be documenting the ones I have LONG before its time for them to go walkies.

Here are a few:

My Gwen Stefani heels. Worn by me mostly at ages 25 – 28, these girls combined funk with elegance. They were peep-toed before the peep-toe mania took the rest of the shoe industry by storm, ahead of their time. They used to take me dancing when I wore bottle green silken cropped cargo pants with a black strappy tank and patched golf hat that I stole from an ex. (one of the only good things to ever come out of that relationship!) They used to enjoy Black Eyed Peas and Christina Aguilera, while making their presence known at all the hot-spots in Rivoia and Sandton, JHB. The Gwen Stefani’s could take me to the movies on a first-date Friday night in jeans, hit the clubs on Saturday and then arrive a little disheveled and in need of bottled water at Sunday Family Lunch paired simply with a cute little T-shirt dress. They were all round weekenders and they made me OH so happy!

The Gladiator-Kimmies. I aliken these sky-high heels to the soullessness of Kim Kardashian. Ever so pretty, but cheap and nasty. These are just too high (Playmate of the Year kind of high) and just too plastic (Playmate of the Year kind of plastic) but still beautiful on. They are quite new, only 2 now, but they are aging in bunny years, so they are already a hundred and five. Love the look, but like most reality TV, there is only so much time one can dedicate ones self to trashy flashdom without ending up in a moral black hole. They are all look and no substance. They need to go.

The Pointe Baby-Dolls. Oh I love these! They have been around for a long time, but I don’t wear them that often. The problem being that they are one size too small. Wearing them makes my feet curl in and cramp up for days afterwards, which is no longer something I’m willing to do - all that often. But the little black on black ribbon that threads through the rim of these girls makes their baby-doll-ness just THAT much more adorable! They used to go best with a pair of black pinstriped short-shorts I used to wear pre-cellulite, and ended up in a few rather compromising photo-opportunities. Though they never did anything that was actually naughty or bad, they liked to do things that were ‘strange’.  Like Andy Warhol strange. Like take photos standing atop public toilet seats strange? Yes, that. I love them too much to part with them, even if all that they are good for these days is making my shoe-rack look pretty and reminding me of strange-days gone by.

I think that’s enough for now. I have some shoe-shopping to do so need to get off the computer… Perhaps this will need to be a series of sorts? With all the shoes that live in my cupboard, there is ample ammo there for a year-long series me thinks! We’ll see.

Love, lust and fairy-star-dust

Cherry Blossom