To have Child or not to have Child...

Before reading this, i urge all mothers, fathers, adoptive parents or anyone who has ever entertained the idea of having kids to please keep an open mind. These are thoughts revolving around the constant questioning we all seem to get about having children. i am not judging ANYONE ELSES reasons for having children or not having children, and i am most certainly not making any personal judgements about anyone i know. Other than myself of course. This is my very personal opinion for myself and my own little family unit (consisting of 2 – me and Husband)

The last 10 years of my life in a nutshell: Single? Boyfriend. Engaged? Married...BABIES???

To the baby-cryers, i say GIVE ME THE WORLD!

Let me explain. As a teen, the hot question my friends always asked was ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’. Then when i, oh-joy-oh-joy, HAD said boyfriend, fast forward to my 20’s and the same people switched to ‘When are you getting married?’. Looking around, i noticed it wasn’t only me being slowly but surely edged towards the alter, but that most peeps in their late 20’s early 30’s are bombarded with the same question. No matter how long you have been in a relationship for, no matter where in life you are, no matter how healthy your relationship is, no matter how much you may or may not even like your partner! Fortunately for me, i was HEAD OVER HEELS in love with mine, and so the move towards marriage wasn’t so much an edging forward as an apocalyptic gallop! (with poor Husband en tow)

And so, come 31, i found myself blissfully skipping down that proverbial white-laced isle. However, no soon as the words ‘I Do’ were uttered, the peer line of questioning changed in one lightning-bolt flash to ‘When are you having babies?’

Really people? The honeymoon isn’t even cold yet!

 While studying marketing, my lecturer once made quite a controversial statement. He said that the greatest invention of the 20^th Century was The Pill. Reasoning that this little happy bundle of white was what revolutionized the women’s movement, what allowed for women to start choosing a career before a family, planning a life, actually DOING something before pushing out the next generation…basically having cake and eating it…i could not help but agree with him. Before that, being knocked-up was HIGHLY synonymous with being female and shagging – weather married or not. And being one who had made a solemn promise to myself (and to my wonderful late Grandmother) that i would get married for love and not a fetus, i put all my faith in those little white pills…and maybe a few other forms of birth control for good measure. (i am fully pro-life and a firm believer in prevention rather than cure, so Planned Parenthood to me is just that: Planned Parenthood. Not 'Oh-Crap-We’re-Pregnant-Because-We-Were-Too-Stupid/Lazy-To-Use-A-Condom-Lets-Just-Kill-The-Thing-Off-Quickly')

Now that i am freshly betrothed, that hardly means that i suddenly need to get busy with a bun in the oven, does it? No my friends, i have STUFF to do! And if that means waiting 2 more years before 3am feeds and 7 dirty diaper changes a night, well, that’s simply my prerogative.

i have been called selfish for this. i have even been cautioned that i may no longer be able to have babies when i finally get round to it (even though i fully intend to start at around 33, so really people, what’s all the fuss about?). All i can say is that if that is the case, then so be it. i will then be able to face myself in the mirror for not adding to the worlds already out-of-control population growth, and will adopt instead. 

(for a little insight into my views on overpopulation: http://www.health24.com/news/Columnists/1-4618-4690,64511.asp )

But as for being selfish? We are all selfish to an extent, and isn't the need to have a baby to fulfill some motherly instinct, just as selfish as my need to wait? You are doing what YOU want to do, just like me. And there is nothing wrong with either of those paths.

However, my path has taught me something i can't keep to myself anymore. A few years ago, before i met Husband, life wasn’t so good for me. i was going through a really hard time, a series of BAD relationships, a stagnant career that infuriated me when i put all my heart and soul into my work only to be given a pat on the back and chump-change as a reward (while the bosses sat back getting fatter and richer off all my efforts), and i was just not coping. i found that during those years, all i wanted was a baby. i YEARNED for a baby. Fortunately my dedication to my higher self and staying true to the promise to myself and Granny stopped me from just going and getting myself pregnant, but if it wasn’t for that, i swear there were times when this irrational thought gripped me, like being possessed, and suddenly procreation was the only thing in the world! Like a mommy zombie with a one track mind: Must have baby. MUUUST HAAAAVE BAAAABBBYYYY!!!

Then i met Husband. He showed me a new life. He gave me new things to experience, new worlds to enjoy, new chewy bits of original thought and personal view and experimentitive living to dive into! (No, dude, i’m not talking about drugs...) He gave me new things to get excited about and new idea’s to go to town with. And suddenly, i wasn’t so desperate to have that baby anymore. Not just yet. It was almost as if the shift in me was because i didn’t have nothing else anymore, so now i didn’t desperately want that kid, like, YESTERDAY. 

Now that i am married, i will change my promise from 'getting married for love not a fetus', to 'having a baby because i really want to, not because i have nothing else to do'. i'm sad to say it, but i look at the world around me and i see that a lot of women only get pregnant because they have nothing else, or they just dont get encouraged to think further than that. Some women have even admitted to me that they got pregnant because they can't do anything else. It’s a major flaw in society, and it is a sad sad reality. But instead of us all stopping and saying, “Wait a minute? The greatest invention of the 20^th century could possibly be The Pill and it is available to us all right on our doorsteps and we women have so much more to give so lets just do that for a while instead of becoming pod-people and making more babies like drones!”

We rather say, “So, when are you having babies?” while nursing the subject of our lost hopes and diminished dreams.

For a little more lightheartedness in this department, watch this video: 

Yes i do want to be a mother one day, but i am still young. i have so much i want to do and see and accomplish, and if i stop and think about it seriously, having a child now would get in the way of all that. i hope more young 15 - 20something year old women will follow in my footsteps and reach for their amazingness before they fast foward through their independance only to wake up one day feeling trapped and cheated. It sounds like a terrible thing to say, that you can’t follow your dreams if you get pregnant (and i’m only saying it as bluntly as that for effect) but something has to give. i don’t REALLY believe babies destroy your dreams. But i do believe that some dreams come easier if you have had a few extra adult years to yourself, and if there isn’t an ankle-biter strapped to your side demanding all your attention, no matter HOW perfect and adorable it is.

Lets face it, if you are going to be a mother, do it right. i want to give my child the best possible chance in the world. Give them all my love, my focus, my nurturing nature, my energy, my power! What kind of a mother WOULDN’T want to give her child everything? And so i would like to first get my 'selfishness' out of the way before i shift focus make the best darn kid i possibly could. Just like so many of my friends who have become mothers, who i watch in awe and admire.

To end off here, let me just say that everything has a time and a place – and my time just hasn’t come yet. (P.S. Dear Murphy – please don’t go tampering with my birth control tonight to prove a point. i’ll be ever so grateful if you just let this one slide. Thank you)

Love, lust and fairy star-dust
Cherry Blossom